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Time Pass

There is this good old Barber in some city in US. One day a Florist goes to him for a haircut. After the cut, he goes to pay the Barber and the barber replies: 'I am Sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a Community Service'.

The Florist is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, there is a Thank you card and a dozen roses waiting at his door.

A Cop goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the Barber and the barber replies: 'I am Sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a Community Service'.

The Cop is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, there is a Thank you card and a dozen Donuts waiting at his door.

A Desi ( Indian ) Software Engineer goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the

Barber and barber replies: 'I am Sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a Community

Service'. The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, guess what he finds

A dozen Desis( Indian ) waiting for a free Haircut

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The boss came early in the morning one day and found his manager kissing his secretary. He shouted at him, "Is this what I pay you for?"The manager replied: "No, sir, this I do free of charge."

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A man went to an eye specialist to get his eyes tested and asked, "Doctor, will I be able to read after wearing glasses?" "Yes, of course," said the doctor, "why not!" "Oh! How nice it would be ," said the patient with joy, "I have been illiterate for so long."

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A priest, seeing a blank signboard hanging on a lamppost wrote upon it: "I pray for all."

A Solicitor wrote underneath: "I plead for all."

A doctor added: "I prescribe for all."

A simple citizen wrote: "I pay for all."

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After a dinner speech, the speaker scolded his secretary:"Why did you write such a long speech for me? You saw how those people were feeling bored!" The secretary replied, "Sir, it wasn't a lengthy speech at all; but I did make one mistake- I gave you all 3 copies of the speech."

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This is for only Indian Desi ( NRI’s ) You are a desi ( Indian ) if

you ask for small drink at fast food restaurant because the refill is free. You know more than one plans offered by long distance telephone companies.

* You take plain water instead of Coke for lunch.* you take any drink with no ice because you can't drink ice

* you ask before eating any meat "Is this beef?"

* you try to ignore all other unknown desis around you.

* you know all the facilities available at public library.

* you talk to Americans as if you represent your whole country

* your stove in the apartment is covered with aluminum foil.

* you frequent to yard sales every week.

* you find taco bell sauce packets in your kitchen drawer.

* your dinner involves spreading newspaper on living room floor.

* you take off your shoes before stepping foot in your living room.

* you like onion rings at Burger King.

* your are looking for dual voltage electric/electronic appliances.

* the phrase "When are you going to India" comes into

your conversation at least once a day.

* you bought Toyota or Honda car only because it has better resale value.

* the number of long distance calls is more than domestic calls.

* you keep switching your internet service provider because first month is free.

* you go back to your apartment for lunch.

* your full name contains more than 15 characters.

* you know all the $1.50 theaters in your city.

* the only reason you go to a temple on festivals is because there is free food.

* you have spent nights in the car while traveling because you wanted to save money spent on cheap motel.

* you don't know any American outside your work.

* you tried to flirt with the Hindi speaking operator at AT&T.

* you have at least one India made pressure cooker in your kitchen.

* you know how much a 7 layer burrito costs at Taco Bell.

* you run to Laundromat in your lungi.

* put oil in your hair.

* you have a picture of Indian deity on the dashboard of your car.

* this thought comes to you "Oh shit I just saw another

desi" when you are window shopping at a local mall.

* you keep comparing prices at circuit city for the phone you bought six months ago.

* the lawyer handling your green card is in your speed dial.

* you are compelled to visit ever major city in US, just so as to say that "Yes I have been there"

* you are comfortable with an American than an ABCD.

* you have been to Mexico or Canada for multiple entry H1 Visa.

* you pay your bills the day they come in mail.

* spent 2 days cleaning your apartment before leaving so

you can get full security refund from landlord.

* have a bucket in your bath tub.

* you have to borrow luggage from friends for India visit.

* the smoke detector goes off whenever your are cooking dinner.

* you know which grocery store keeps coriander.

* you buy butter milk before you run out of it.

* you use grocery bags as garbage bags.

* you say 'Damn I have already seen this show" when ever

you are watching Married With Children.

* you buy rice in the 20 pound bags.

* office supplies mysteriously find their way in your house.

* you don't want to buy a printer because you can always use the office printer.

* you have postponed buying answering machine because

the computer you are planning to buy six months later has in

built answering machine.

* your idea of fun involves bowling.

* you starts spelling your name to the operator like A as in

Apple, Bas in boy , T as in train ...well you get the idea.

* you ask another desi if he/she ever got a traffic ticket.

* you haven't had a single female in your apartment besides your friends wife.

* you circulate Playboy's Lingerie edition amongst your friends.

* you bring over the counter medicines like Iodex and Vicks from India.

* decide to marry a girl, your parents fixed without even meeting her.

* you know the current differential in gold prices between India and US.

* you go to a temple to pick up a women.

* you have worked illegally in a Guju's motel.

* you mark your forehead with scared ash.

* you have a bought a video camera just before Niagara trip and returned it after the trip.

* VIP/Indian brand underwear and undershirts.

* you have Rin (detergent soap cake) in your bathroom.

* you have taken pictures of your car and mailed to your folks back home.

* use the credit card with maximum cash back.

you have collected enough frequent flier miles for a international trip.

* you are saving more that 30 % of your salary.

* talk about the sexual escapades of your friend.

* you have never asked a girl out.

* you have book marked immigration web pages in your browser.

* you know all of your friends salary.

* tried to talk in a phony accent with the freshie in the school.

* you have asked a PhD student for a ride to grocery store.

* there are more that 4 guys living in a 2 bedroom apartment.

* you have cooking schedule in your kitchen cabinet.

* you spend at least 2 evenings in a week at Kmart.

* you split even tax from your common grocery bill.

* complain about Indian international airports on your first vacation to India.

* you take 4 week long vacation.

* you are the first to know about any on campus job

openings at the school library/cafeteria/computer center.

* you act as if you are the busiest person on the earth.

* you dial 9-1-1 (instead of dialing 01191) to make international calls and smile apologetically when the Cops arrive at your door in less than 15-minutes.

* you put the photograph of Ganesha or some other deity on your PC in the Office as a Background Wallpaper

* you boast to your American Colleagues that the girl on your PC's wallpaper is your Girlfriend (When your PC shows a photograph of Aishwarya Rai!)

* you buy anything from any store and just return it after a few weeks (just for the heck of it and just because it is returnable!)

* you are frequent visitor to any of the Outlet Malls near your place!

* you apply deodorant spray on your clothes (because the perfume bottle is costly to purchase)

* you take pleasure in passing lewd/obscene remarks at the Americans in vernacular Indian languages, just because they are unable to understand it;

* you talk to your Indian colleague in your local Indian language in presence of an American Colleague

* you take pleasure in switching your telephone companies from MCI to AT&T to Sprint, just to take advantage of their competition

* your weekend routine schedule is to visit a temple and an Indian restaurant

*** I hope a TRUE DESI gets not less than 90% of the

score. If not??? (May be some thing wrong with your DESI brain)

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                               "The Gift"
A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart'sbirthday,and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic, but not too personal.Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom and bought a pair of white gloves.  The sister purchased a air of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties.  Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening.  If it had not been foryour sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove."These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled.  I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. "I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. "When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. "Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.  All my love."  "P.S.  The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing."

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A man suspected his wife of seeing another man so he hired a famous Chinese detective to watch and report any activities while he was gone. A few days later he received this report:

Most honorable sir:
You leave the house. I watch house. He comes to house. I watch. He and she leave house. I follow. He and she get on train. I follow. He and she go in hotel. I climb tree-look in window. He kiss she. She kiss he. He strip she. She strip he. He play with she. She play with he. I play with ME. Fall out of tree, not see. NO FEE

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Smile :- A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Rumor :- News that travels at the speed of sound.

College :- A place where some pursue learning and others

Ecstasy :- A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.

Office :- A place where you can relax after your strenuous homelife.

Yawn :- The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

Etc. :- A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

Committee :- Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

Classic :- A book which people praise, but do not read.

Marriage :- It's an agreement in which a man loses his

bachelor degree and woman gains her master's.

Worry :- Interest paid on trouble before it falls due.

Experience:- The name men give to their mistakes.

Tears :- The hydraulic force by which masculine power is defeated by feminine power.

Atom Bomb :- An invention to end all inventions.

Philosopher:- A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.

Optimist :- A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.

Miser :- A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

Father :- A banker provided by nature.

Criminal :- A guy no different from the rest... except that he got caught.

Boss :- Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

Politician:- One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.

Doctor :- A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.

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A father overhears his son praying before going to bed "God Bless Grandma." The next day Grandma passes away. That night the father hears the boy praying "God Bless Grandpa." The next day Grandpa passes away. That night he hears his son praying "God Bless Daddy." Buring the whole next day the father is very edgy and when he returns home he tells his wife what a terrible day he had. The wife says "You think you had a terible day, this morning our milkman dropped dead at our front door!"

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A man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" "Why?" she asks."Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."

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Fred, Jim & Scott were at a convention together & were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story skyscraper. After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken & they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room. Bill said to Jim & Scott, "Let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, Jim can sing songs for the next 25 flights and Scott can tell sad stories for the rest of the way." At the 26th floor, Bill stopped telling jokes & Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing & Scott began to tell sad stories. "I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in the car!!!

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A little girl asked her father, "Daddy? Do all Fairy Tales begin with 'Once Upon A Time'?" He replied, "No, there is a whole series of Fairy Tales that begin with 'If elected I promise'."

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It was her first time. She put him off for awhile searching for an excuse, but he refused to be swayed as he approached her. As she laid back, her muscles tightened. He asked if she is afraid and she shook her head bravely. He has had a great deal of experience and his finger finds the right place the very first time. He probed deeply and she shivered; her body tensed; but he was gentle as he had promised he'd be. He looked deeply within her eyes and told her to trust him -- he's done this many times before.His cool smile relaxed her and she opened wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. She anxiously began to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly took his time, wanting to cause her as little pain as possible. As hepressed closer, going deeper, she felt the tissue give way; pain surgedthroughout her body and she felt the slight trickle of blood as he continued. He looked at her, concerned, and asked if he was hurting her. Her eyes filled with tears but she shook her head and nodded for him to go on. As he began moving in and out with skill she became too numb to feel him within her. After a few frenzied moments, she felt something bursting within her and he pulled it out of her. She lay panting, glad to it was over. He looked at her, smiling warmly, telling her, with a chuckle; that she had been his most rewarding experience ever. She smiled and thanked her dentist. After all, it was her first time having a tooth pulled.

The History of Medicine

=========================

2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root

1000 A.D. - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.

1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.

1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.

1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.

2000 A.D. - That antibiotic doesn't work anymore. Here, eat this root.

( back to 2000 BC )

*************

A town in Poland had only one cow and it stopped giving milk. Thetownspeople did a little research and discovered they could get a cow from Moscow for 2000 rubles - or one from Minsk for only 1000 rubles.So, naturally, they got the cow from Minsk.It was a great cow: had a wonderful disposition, and gave lots of milk and lots of cream. Everybody loved it dearly. The people decided they would mate the cow and get more cows like it, and then they would never have to worry about their milk supply again.So they got a bull and led the cow and the bull into the pasture.When the bull came in from the right to mount the cow, the cow moved to the left. When the bull moved in to mount the cow from the left, the cow moved to the right. This went on all day.Finally, in desperation, the people decided to go ask the rabbi what to do. After all he was very wise. They told him the story. "Rabbi, we've tried all day to mate our cow. When the bull moves in from the right the cow moves left and when the bull moves in from the left the cow moves to the right. What do we do?" The Rabbi thought a moment and asked, "Did you buy this cow from Minsk?" "Rabbi!" they replied as one, "You are so wise! We never said we bought the cow from Minsk. How did you know that?" The Rabbi said, sadly, "My wife is from Minsk."

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The Mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were 'protecting'. Feeling the heat from the police force, they decided to use a deaf person for this job--if he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police what he was doing. Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $50,000. He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place. The Mafia soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends some of their hoods after the deaf collector. The hoods find the deaf collector and ask him where the money is. The deaf collector can't communicate with them, so the Mafia drags the guy to an interpreter. The Mafia hood says to the interpreter, "Ask him where da money is." The interpreter signs, "Where's the money?" The deaf replies, "I don't know what you're talking about." The interpreter tells the hood, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about." The hood pulls out a .38 pistol and places it in the ear of the deaf collector. "NOW ask him where da money is." The interpreter signs, "Where is the money?" The deaf man only signs with actions , "The $50,000 is in Central Park, hidden in the third tree stump on the left from the West 78th Street gate." The interpreter says to the hood, "He says he still doesn't know what you're talking about and doesn't think you have the guts to pull the trigger!" The moral of the story is the interpreter knowingly the place did not tell the deaf man was shot and the cash was taken by the interpreter.

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A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, saying that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains how the game works: "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and visa-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The chauvinistic lawyer figures that since his opponent is a blonde he will easily win the match, so he makes another offer: "Okay, how about this "If you don't know the answer you pay me only $5, but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his co-workers and friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour, of searching for the answer he finally gives up. He wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little frustrated, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer?" Again without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

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Teacher: Why are you late? Webster: Because of the sign.

Teacher: What sign?

Webster: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow." That's what I did

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A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn`tknow what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he`d stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do.The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional. In a few minutes a woman comes in and says "Father forgive me for I have sinned. I committed adultery."

Priest says: "How many times?"Woman: "Three times."

Priest says, "Say two Hail Marys, put $5.00 in the box, and sin no more."

A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says, "Father forgive me for I have sinned."

Priest says, "What did you do?"

Man says, "I committed adultery."

Priest asks, "How many times?"

Man replys, "Three times."

Priest says, "Say two Hail Marys, put $5.00 in the box, and sin no more."

The Rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he`s got it so the priest leaves. A few minutes later another woman enters and says, "Father forgive me for I have sinned."Rabbi says, "What did you do?"

Woman replys, "I committed adultery."

Rabbi asks, "How many times?"

Woman says "Once."

Rabbi says, "Go do it two more times, we have a special this week, three for $5.00."

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A SOFTWARE ENGINEER IN CONVERSATION WITH HIS WIFE


HUSBAND : (Returning late from work) "Good evening dear. I'm now logged in."
WIFE : "Have you bought the ring?"
HUSBAND : "Bad Command or filename."
WIFE : "But I told you in the morning."
HUSBAND : "Erroneous Syntax. Abort?"
WIFE : "What about my new dress?"
HUSBAND : "Variable not found."
WIFE : "At least give me your credit card, I want to do some shopping."
HUSBAND : "Sharing Violation. Access Denied"
WIFE : "Do you love me or do you only love computers or are you just being funny?"
HUSBAND : "Too many Parameters."
WIFE : "It was a great mistake that I married an idiot like you."
HUSBAND : "Data Type Mismatch."
WIFE : "You are a useless nut."
HUSBAND : "It's by default."
WIFE : "What about your salary?"
HUSBAND : "File in use..."
WIFE : "Who was in the car this morning?"
HUSBAND : "System is unable. Press 'CTRL+ALT+DEL' to Reboot."

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Two brothers in a small town were well-known as trouble makers. If there was a problem in town, these boys were guaranteed to be there. Their parents finally decided to do something about it.They called on the priest. He was known to have success indealing with problematic behavior. He agreed to see them,but only one at a time.The younger brother went first. He walked in and the priest asked him, "Where is God?" in a mild voice.The younger brother just sat there. The priest asked again, "Where's God?" The boy again just sat there.The priest tried once more, in a very annoyed and angered voice, "Tell me son, WHERE IS GOD?'Terrified, the boy ran out of the room and straight to his room at home, where he hid under the bed. His older brother came in and asked what was wrong.The younger boy said, "We are in big trouble this time. God is missing, and they think we did it!"

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Ever notice how many of women's problems can be
traced to the male gender?

MENstruation
MENopause
MENtal breakdown
GUYnecology
HIMmorrhoids


The surgeon told his patient that woke up after having been operated: "I'm afraid we're going to have to operate you again. Because, you see, I forgot my rubber gloves inside you."

"Well, if it's just because of them, I'd rather pay for them if you just leave me alone."


A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600.The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a doctor!." The plumber quietly answered, "Neither did I when I was a doctor."


At a medical convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each other. The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts. As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands.

After dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom. Just as things get hot, the female doctor interrupts and says she has to go and wash her hands. Once she comes back they go for it. After the sex session, she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands. As she comes back the male doctor says, "I bet you are a surgeon".She confirms and asks how he knew. "Easy, you're always washing your hands."She then says, "I bet you're an anesthesiologist."Male doctor: "Wow, how did you guess?"Female doctor: "I didn't feel a thing."


"I'm beginning to think that my lawyer is too interested in making money."
"Why do you say that?" "Listen to this from his bill: 'For waking up at night and thinking about your case: $25.00'."


The lawyer's son wanted to follow in his father's footsteps, so he went to law school. He graduated with honors, and then went home to join his father's firm. At the end of his first day at work he rushed into his father's office, and said, "Father, father, in one day I broke the accident case that you've been working on for ten years!"

His father responded: "You idiot, we lived on the funding of that case for ten years!"


An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.

A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.

"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards."

"HEART ATTACK"
===============
A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near death experience. During that experience she seaugmentation, tummy tuck, etc.She even has someone come in and change her hair color.  She figures since she's got another 30 years she might as well make the most of it.  She walks out of the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital.She arrives in front of God and complains: "I thought you said I had another 30 years.God replies, "I didn't recognize you."

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Many many years ago when I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be.

This widow had a grown-up daughter Who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her, And soon the two were wed.

This made my dad my son-in-law And changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother, For she was my father's wife.

To complicate the matters worse, Although it brought me joy. I
soon became the father Of a bouncing baby boy.

My little baby then became A brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle, Though it made me very sad.

For if he was my uncle, Then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter Who, of course, was my step-mother.

Father's wife then had a son, Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson, For he was my daughter's son.

My wife is now my mother's mother And it makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife, She's my grandma too.

If my wife is my grandmother, Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it, It simply drives me wild.

For now I have become The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother, I am my own grandpa!!

In the USA, everything that is not prohibited by law is permitted.
In Germany, everything that is not permitted by law is prohibited.
In Russia, everything is prohibited, even if permitted by law.
In France, everything is permitted, even if prohibited by law.
In Switzerland, everything that is not prohibited by law is obligatory.


A junior partner in a firm was sent to a far-away state to represent a long-term client accused of robbery. After days of trial, the case was won, the client acquitted and released. Excited about his success, the attorney telegraphed the firm: "Justice prevailed."
The senior partner replied in haste: "Appeal immediately."


A witness to an automobile accident was testifying. The lawyer asked him, "Did you actually see the accident?"
The witness: "Yes, sir."

The lawyer: "How far away were you when the accident happened?"
The witness: "Thirty-one feet, six and one quarter inches."

The lawyer (thinking he'd trap the witness): "Well, sir, will you tell the jury how you knew it was exactly that distance?"
The witness: "Because when the accident happened I took out a tape and measured it. I knew some annoying lawyer would ask me that question."


A woman and her little girl were visitng the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"

"Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"

"The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"


An old man was on his death bed. He wanted badly to take some of his money with him. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. "Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me."

At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed, "I had only put $20,000 into the envelope because I needed $10,000 for a new baptistery."

"Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new machine at the hospital which cost $20,000."

The lawyer was aghast. "I'm ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed. "I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."


What did the lawyer name his daughter? Sue.

And his son? Bill.


An engineer dies and reports to hell. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"

Satan by Deddi Shy

A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil. As he passed sulfurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman.

"That's unfair !" he cried. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman."

"Shut up!" barked the devil, jabbing him with his pitchfork. "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"


A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?".

"Sure do," replied the bartender.

"Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator."


A defending attorney was cross examining a coroner. The attorney asked, "Before you signed the death certificate had you taken the man's pulse?"
"No," the coroner replied.

The attorney then asked, "Did you listen for a heart beat?"
The coroner said, "No."

"Did you check for breathing?", asked the attorney.
Again the coroner replied, "No."

The attorney asked, "So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?"
The coroner, now tired of the brow beating said, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but for all I know he could be out there practicing law somewhere."

What's wrong with Lawyer jokes?
Lawyers don't think they're funny, and nobody else thinks they're jokes.


A group of terrorists hijacked a plane full of lawyers. They called down to ground control with their list of demands and added that if their demands weren't met, they would release one lawyer every hour.


Arguing with a lawyer is like mud wrestling with a pig: after a while you realize that the pig actually enjoys it.


Warning Signs that you Might Need a Different Lawyer

He tells you that his last good case was a Budweiser.
When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.
He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."
He tells you that he has never told a lie.
A big sign in his office says: "Don't ask me."
A prison guard is shaving your head.


How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
"How many can you afford?"
It only takes one to change your bulb...to his.
Two. One to change it and one to keep interrupting by standing up and shouting "Objection!"
Three. One to do it and two to sue him for malpractice.
Three. One to turn the bulb, one to shake him off the ladder, and the third to sue the ladder company.
Three. One to sue the power company for insufficiently supplying power, or negligent failure to prevent the surge that made the bulb burn out in the first place, one to sue the electrician who wired the house, and one to sue the bulb manufacturers.
Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object, one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their time cards, one to depose, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services.

How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, lawyers only screw us.

More jokes, complaints, Coke Light? Send it to David Shay

Last Modified: 10/23/98 07:26:16

Every law book that you need you can find and buy immediately at Amazon.com, Earth's Biggest Bookstore. Begin your search now: write the name of the author or the name of the book you wish to find, and click on the "Search" button.

A merchant teaches his son the secrets of the trade: "When you charge a customer $100, and he pays you by mistake $200, you have an ethical dilemma -- should you tell your partner?"

A man is hired by the circus to perform a necessary but rather unpleasant task. He is asked to walk behind the elepants in the center ring, shoveling aside their droppings as they walk about. After a rather difficult evening at work, he goes to the circus cafeteria, sits with other workers, and begins complaining about his work.

"It's just terrible work, walking behind those huge beasts and first dodging, then shoveling aside the dung they produce. My arms are tired, my shoes and pants are a mess, and I'll have to shower before I return home, because of the stink."

His friends at work agree: "Why don't you just quit this miserable job and find something more rewarding to do. You have to have some skills and talents that you can put to use somewhere else."

He looks at them, stunned: "You know, you're probably right, but I just can't give up the glamour of show business!"


Two social workers were walking through a rough part of the city in the evening. They heard moans and muted cries for help from a back lane. Upon investigation, they found a semi-conscious man in a pool of blood. "Help me, I've been mugged and viciously beaten" he pleaded.
The two social workers turned and walked away. One remarked to her colleague: "You know the person that did this really needs help."


A social worker asks a collegue: "What time is it?"
The other one answers: "Sorry, don't know, I have no watch."
The first one: "Never mind! The main thing is that we talked about it."

Andy wants a job as a signalman on the railways. He is told to meet the inspector at the signal box. The inspector puts this question to him: "What would you do if you realised that two trains were heading for each other on the same track?"
Andy says, "I would switch the points for one of the trains."
"What if the lever broke?" asked the inspector.
"Then I'd dash down out of the signal box," said Andy, "and I'd use the manual lever over there."
"What if that had been struck by lightning?"
"Then," Andy continues, "I'd run back into the signal box and phone the next signal box."
"What if the phone was engaged?"
"Well in that case," persevered Andy, "I'd rush down out of the box and use the public emergency phone at the level crossing up there."
"What if that was vandalised?"
"Oh well then I'd run into the village and get my uncle Silas."
This puzzles the inspector, so he asks, "Why would you do that?"
Came the answer, "Because he's never seen a train crash."


A preacher dies, and when he gets to Heaven, he sees a New York cab driver who has more crowns. He says to an angel, "I don't get it. I devoted my whole life to my congregation."

The angel says, "We reward results. Did your congregation always pay attention when you gave a sermon?"

The preacher says, "Once in a while someone fell asleep."

The angel says, "Right. And when people rode in this guy's taxi, they not only stayed awake, but they usually prayed!"

Those three boys are in the schoolyard bragging of how great their fathers are.

The first one says: "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow".

The second one says: "Ha! You think that's fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet".

The third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then says: "You two know nothing about fast. My father is a civil servant. He stops working at 4:30 and he is home by 3:45"!!


If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed and dry cleaners depressed?

Laundry workers could decrease, eventually becoming depressed and depleted! Even more, bedmakers will be debunked, baseball players will be debased, landscapers will be deflowered, bulldozer operators will be degraded, software engineers will be detested, and even musical composers will eventually decompose.

 

A man was carrying 2 babies, one in each arm while waiting for a train.Along came this woman seeing the 2 cute babies started asking the  man,"Aren't they cute, what are their names?"The man giving the lady an angry look replied "I don't know". The ladyasked again "Which is a boy and which is a girl?".The man looking angrier than before replied "I don't know".  The woman.then started to scold the man "What kind of a father are you?".The man replied "I am not their father, I am just a condom salesman and these are 2 complaints that I am taking back to my company."

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A graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
A graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
A graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
A graduate with a Law degree asks, "Who gave it a permission to work?"
A graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Would you like fries with that?"


Psychology is actually biology.
Biology is actually chemistry.
Chemistry is actually physics.
And physics is actually math.


Where to Publish Your Paper

If you understand it and can prove it, then send it to a journal of mathematics.
If you understand it, but can't prove it, then send it to a physics journal.
If you can't understand it, but can prove it, then send it to an economics journal.
If you can neither understand it nor prove it, then send it to a psychology journal.


A Marketing Manager got married to a woman who had previously been married eight times. On his wedding night, his wife informed him that she was still a virgin. This was her explanation:

The wife said sweetly to her new husband, "Now I am married to you, a man of marketing". The husband looked at his wife and simply said, "I know I have the product, I'm just not sure how to position it".


Heaven and Hell

In Heaven:
The cooks are French,
The policemen are English,
The mechanics are German,
The lovers are Italian,
The bankers are Swiss.

In Hell:
The cooks are English,
The policemen are German,
The mechanics are French,
The lovers are Swiss,
The bankers are Italian.


You are one of three people on a malfunctioning airplane with only one parachute. How would you react?

Pessimist: you refuse the parachute because you might die on the jump anyway.
Optimist: you refuse the parachute because people have survived crashes just like this before.
Procrastinator: you play a game of Monopoly for the parachute.
Bureaucrat: you order them to conduct a feasibility study on parachute use in multi-engine aircraft under code red conditions.
Computer Scientist: you design a machine capable of operating a parachute as well as a human being could.
Mathematician: you refuse to accept the parachute without proof that it will work in all cases.
Engineer: you make them another parachute out of aisle curtains and dental floss.
Psychoanalyst: you ask them what the shape of a parachute reminds them of.
Doctor: you tell them you need to run more tests, then take the parachute in order to make your next appointment.
Lawyer: you charge one parachute for helping them sue the airline.
Judge: after reminding them of their constitutional right to have a parachute, you take it and jump out.
Economist: your only rational and moral choice is to take the parachute, as the free market will take care of the other person.
Statistician: you plot a demand curve by asking them, at regular intervals, how much they would pay for a parachute.
IRS auditor: you confiscate the parachute along with their luggage, wallet, and gold fillings.
Manager: as you jump out with the parachute, you tell them to work hard and not expect handouts.
Consultant: you tell them not to worry, since it won't take you long to learn how to fix a plane.
Salesperson: you sell them the parachute at top retail rates and get the names of their friends and relatives who might like one too.
Advertiser: you strip-tease while singing that what they need is a neon parachute with computer altimeter for only $39.99.
Philosopher: you ask how they know the parachute actually exists.
Teacher: you give them the parachute and ask them to send you a report on how well it worked.
English major: you explicate simile and metaphor in the parachute instructions.
Comparative Literature major: you read the parachute instructions in all four languages.
Dramatist: you tie them down so they can watch you develop the character of a person stuck on a falling plane without a parachute.
Modern Painter: you hang the parachute on the wall and sign it.
Auto Mechanic: as long as you are looking at the plane engine, it works fine.


An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.

An auditor is someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.

Mark Twain

An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.

A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.

An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.

Laurence J. Peter

A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.

A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn't there.

Charles R. Darwin

A topologist is a man who doesn't know the difference between a coffee cup and a doughnut.

A chemical engineer is a man who is doing for a profit what an organic chemist only does for fun.

A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a "brief".

Franz Kafka

A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.

A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.

A schoolteacher a is disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children.

A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.


How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb?
Third as many as for a regular bulb.

How many librarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
"I don't know, but I can look it up for you."

How many civil servants does it take to change a light bulb?
Twelve. One to change the bulb, and eleven to do the paperwork.

How many social scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Social scientists do not change light bulbs; they search for the root cause as to why the last one went out.

 

Applicants

An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" He answered, "No."

The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the last one, was "Why?" The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."


Employer to applicant: "In this job we need someone who is responsible."

Applicant: "I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."


"Young man, do you think you can handle a variety of work?"

"I ought to be able to. I've had ten different jobs in four months."


Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources person asked a young applicant fresh out of Business School, "And what starting salary are you looking for?"

The applicant said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years - say, a red Corvette?"

The applicant sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."


In a job interview for policemen the applicants are shown a profile picture of a man, and the interviewer says, "The job that you're applying for requires powers of observation. Make one observation about this man."

The first applicant enters and says, "This man has just one ear."
"Get out!!" screams the interviewer.

The second applicant enters and says, "This man has one ear."
"Get out!!" screams the interviewer again.

Then the third applicant gets up to go in for his interview. The first two guys are out there and they tell him, "The guy that's giving the interview doesn't like to hear that the man in the picture has one ear."
"Thanks for the tip" says the third applicant.

So the third applicant enters, stares at the picture for a while and finally he says, "This man wears contact lenses."
The interviewer is impressed and says, "Excellent observation. Tell me, how could you tell?"
So the guy says, "Well, this man has just one ear, how could he wear glasses?"


A man applied for a job as an industrial spy. Together with several other applicants, he was given a sealed envelope and told to take it to the fourth floor.

As soon as the man was alone, he stepped into an empty hallway and opened the envelope. Inside, a message read: "You're our kind of person. Report to the fifth floor Personnel Office."


An applicant was being interviewed for admission to a prominent medical school. "Tell me," inquired the interviewer, "where do you expect to be ten years from now?"

"Well, let's see," replied the student. "It's Wednesday afternoon. I guess I'll be on the golf course by now."


The navy psychiatrist was interviewing a potential sailor. To check on the young man's response to trouble, the psychiatrist asked, "What would you do if you looked out of that window right now and saw a battleship coming down the street?"
The baby sailor said, "I'd grab a torpedo and sink it."
"Where would you get the torpedo?"
"The same place you got your battleship!"


HR Manager to job candidate: "I see you've had no computer training. Although that qualifies you for upper management, it means you're under-qualified for our entry level positions."


A business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "Help Wanted. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined a bit.

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on a chair and stared at the manager. The manager said "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."

The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back up on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign also says you have to be good with a computer."

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect spreadsheet that worked flawlessly the first time.

By this time, the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."

The dog jumped down and went over to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentence about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.

The manager said "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual." The dog looked at that manager calmly and said, "Meow."


Are you qualified to this job?

Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.
Wanted: Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.
Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business, and be willing to get hands dirty.


Applicant Speak: what they say and what they mean by it

I know how to deal with stressful situations:
I'm usually on Prozac. When I'm not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.
I seek a job that will draw upon my strong communication & organizational skills:
I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do.
I'm extremely adept at all manner of office organization:
I've used Microsoft Office.
My pertinent work experience includes:
I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.
I take pride in my work:
I blame others for my mistakes.
I'm balanced and centered:
I'll keep crystals at my desk and do Tai Chi in the lunchroom.
I have a sense of humor:
I know a lot of corny, old jokes and I tell them badly.
I'm willing to relocate:
As I leave San Quentin, anywhere's better.
I'm extremely professional:
I carry a Day-Timer.
My background and skills match your requirements:
You're probably looking for someone more experienced.
I am adaptable:
I've changed jobs a lot.
I am on the go:
I'm never at my desk.
I'm highly motivated to succeed:
The minute I find a better job, I'm outta there.
I have formal training:
I'm a college dropout.
I interact well with co-workers:
I've been accused of sexual harassment.
Thank you for your time and consideration:
Wait! Don't throw me away!

Employer Speak: what they say and what they mean by it

Entry level position:
You'll be making minimum wage.
Entry level position in an up-and-coming company:
You'll be making minimum wage; we'll be bankrupt in a year.
Profit sharing plan:
Once it's shared between the higher-ups, there won't be a profit.
Competitive salary:
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
Join our fast-paced company:
We have no time to train you; you'll have to introduce yourself to your coworkers.
Nationally recognized leader:
Inc. Magazine wrote us up a few years ago, but we haven't done anything innovative since.
Immediate opening:
The person who used to have this job gave notice a month ago. We're just now running the ad.
Casual work atmosphere:
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up, although a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
Competitive environment:
We have a lot of turnover.
Must be deadline oriented:
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
Some overtime required:
Some time each night and some time each weekend.
Flexible hours:
Work 40 hours; get paid for 25.
Must have an eye for detail:
We have no quality control.
College degree preferred:
Unless you wasted those four years studying something useless like Philosophy, English or Social Work.
Career minded:
Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
Apply in person:
If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.
No phone calls please:
We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
Problem solving skills a must:
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
Requires team leadership skills:
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

New Job Interview Technique

Take the prospective employee and put him in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave him alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what he is doing.

If he has taken the table apart, put him in Engineering.
If he is counting the butts in the ashtray, assign him to Finance.
If he is waving his arms and talking out loud, send him to Consulting.
If he is talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for him.
If he is sleeping, he is Management material.
If he is writing up the experience, send him to the Technical Documentation team.
If he doesn't even look up when you enter the room, assign him to Security.
If he tries to tell you it's not as bad as it looks, put him into Marketing.
If he is wearing green sunglasses and need a haircut, Software is his niche.
If he mentions what a good price we got for the table and chairs, send him to Purchasing.
If he mentions that hardwood furniture does not come from rainforests, Public Relations will suit him well.

Work Experience

"Why are you so excited?", the surgeon asked the patient that was about to be anesthetized.
"But doc, this is my first operation."
"Really? It's mine too, and I am not excited at all."


Three men took a small plane to the wilderness in northern Canada to hunt moose over the weekend. The last thing the pilot said was, "Remember, this is a very small plane and you will only be able to bring ONE moose back."

But of course, they killed one each and returned to the plane with three moose.
The pilot said: "I have told you to bring one moose only".
"That's what you told us last year," the hunters replied, "but for an additional $100 you allowed us to bring three moose. Here, take $100 now."
The pilot agrees, and lets them bring all three dead moose onboard.

Just after takeoff, the plane stalled and crashed. In the wreckage, one of the men woke up, looked around and said: "Where the hell are we?"
"Oh, just about a hundred yards east of the place where we crashed last year."


The classified ad said, "Wanted: a very experienced lumberjack". A man answered the ad and was asked to describe his experience.
"I've worked at the Sahara Forest."
"You mean the Sahara Desert," said the interviewer.
The man laughed and answered, "Oh sure, that's what they call it now!"


Experience is directly proportional to the amount of equipment ruined.

Experience is something you do not get until just after you need it.

Experience is what causes a person to make new mistakes instead of old ones.

Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.

Experience is knowledge acquired when it's too late.


Hunting an ElephantElephant by Deddi shy

Mathematicians hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever is left.
Experienced mathematicians will prove the existence of at least one unique elephant and then leave the detection and capture of an actual elephant as an exercise for their graduate students.

Computer programmers hunt elephants by exercising Algorithm A:
1. Go to Africa.
2. Start at the Cape of Good Hope.
3. Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent alternately east and west.
4. During each traverse pass,
a. Catch each animal seen.
b. Compare each animal caught to a known elephant.
c. Stop when a match is detected.
Experienced computer programmers modify Algorithm A by placing a known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will terminate.

Economists don't hunt elephants, but they believe that if elephants are paid enough, they will hunt themselves.
Experienced economists never saw an elephant, but they try to hunt one by controlling the interest rates.

Statisticians hunt the first gray animal they see N times and call it an elephant.
Experienced statisticians add that there is a small probability that the animal they hunted is a mouse.

Lawyers can let hunting a single elephant drag out for several years.
Experienced lawyers can make it last even longer.

Consultants don't hunt elephants, and many have never hunted anything at all, but they can be hired by the hour to advise those people who do.
Experienced consultants can also measure the correlation of hat size and bullet color to the efficiency of elephant-hunting strategies, if someone else will only identify the elephants.

Politicians don't hunt elephants, but they will share the elephants you catch with the people who voted for them.
Experienced politicians take the elephant for themselves and blame the press.

Managers set broad elephant-hunting policy based on the assumption that elephants are just like field mice, but with deeper voices.
Experienced managers keep in the project file the advise that claims that elephants are just like field mice.

Sales people don't hunt elephants but spend their time selling elephants they haven't caught, for delivery two days before the season opens.
Experienced sales people ship the first thing they catch and write up an invoice for an elephant.

Computer sales people catch gray animals at random, and sell any one of them weighs within plus or minus 15 percent of any previously observed elephant.
Experienced computer sales people catch gray rabbits, and sell them as desktop elephants.


How many applicants does it take to change a light bulb?
Thirteen. One to change the bulb and a dozen others to make sure that everyone has an equal opportunity to apply for the job.

A project manager, a computer programmer and a computer operator are driving down the road when the car they are in gets a flat tire. The three men try to solve the problem.

The project manager said: "Let's catch a cab and in ten minutes we'll reach our destination."

The computer programmer said: "We have here the driver's guide. I can easily replace the flat tire and continue our drive."

The computer operator said: "First of all, let's turn off the engine and turn it on again. Maybe it will fix the problem."

Suddenly a Microsoft software engineer passed by and said: "Try to get off the car, close all windows, and then get in and try again."

A Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Departmental Manager were on their way to a meeting. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt scraping along the mountainside. The car's occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do?

"I know," said the Departmental Manager, "Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way."

"No, no," said the Hardware Engineer, "That will take far too long, and besides, that method has never worked before. I've got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time at all I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way."

"Well," said the Software Engineer, "Before we do anything, I think we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again."

Why do programmers always get Christmas and Halloween mixed up?
Because DEC 25 = OCT 31


How do you keep a programmer in the shower all day?
Give him a bottle of shampoo which says "lather, rinse, repeat."


A system programmer came home from work almost at dawn and told his wife enthusiastically: "Tonight I have installed a new release of MVS/ESA together with VM/CMS and CICS/VS".
"G.O.O.D" answered his wife.


The Programmers' Cheer

Shift to the left, shift to the right!
Pop up, push down, byte, byte, byte!



- "Have you heard about the object-oriented way to become wealthy?"
- "No..."
- "Inheritance."


This text was checked by a speller that never has mistaks.


If you can touch it and you can see it, it's REAL.
If you can touch it but you can't see it, it's TRANSPARENT.
If you can't touch it but you can see it, it's VIRTUAL.
If you can't touch it and you can't see it, it's GONE.


Once a programmer drowned in the sea. Many Marines where at that time on the beach, but the programmer was shouting "F1 F1" and nobody understood it.

Only days, hours, minutes, seconds left until the year 2000!


Jack was a COBOL programmer in the mid to late 1990s. After years of being taken for granted and treated as a technological dinosaur by all the Client/Server programmers and website developers, he was finally getting some respect. He'd become a private consultant specializing in Year 2000 conversions.

Several years of this relentless, mind-numbing work had taken its toll on Jack. He began having anxiety dreams about the Year 2000. All he could think about was how he could avoid the year 2000 and all that came with it.

Jack decided to contact a company that specialized in cryogenics. He made a deal to have himself frozen until March 15th, 2000. The next thing he would know is he'd wake up in the year 2000; after the New Year celebrations and computer debacles; after the leap day. Nothing else to worry about except getting on with his life.

He was put into his cryogenic receptacle, the technicians set the revive date, he was given injections to slow his heartbeat to a bare minimum, and that was that.

The next thing that Jack saw was an enormous and very modern room filled with excited people. They were all shouting "I can't believe it!" and "It's a miracle" and "He's alive!". There were cameras (unlike any he'd ever seen) and equipment that looked like it came out of a science fiction movie.

Someone who was obviously a spokesperson for the group stepped forward. Jack couldn't contain his enthusiasm. "Is it over?" he asked. "Is the year 2000 already here? Are all the millennial parties and promotions and crises all over and done with?"

The spokesman explained that there had been a problem with the programming of the timer on Jack's cryogenic receptacle, it hadn't been year 2000 compliant. It was actually eight thousand years later, not the year 2000. Technology had advanced to such a degree that everyone had virtual reality interfaces which allowed them to contact anyone else on the planet.

"That sounds terrific," said Jack. "But I'm curious. Why is everybody so interested in me?"

"Well," said the spokesman. "The year 10000 is just around the corner, and it says in your files that you know COBOL".

APL is a write-only language.

In C we had to code our own bugs. In C++ we can inherit them.

C gives you enough rope to hang yourself. C++ also gives you the tree object to tie it to.

A computer without COBOL and Fortran is like a piece of chocolate cake without ketchup and mustard.

PL/I is for programmers who can't decide whether to write in COBOL or Fortran.


Why all Pascal programmers ask to live in Atlantis?
Because it is below C level.


Why Client Server Computing is like Teenage Sex

It is on everybody's mind all the time.
Everyone is talking about it all the time.
Everyone thinks everyone else is doing it.
Almost no one is really doing it.
The few who are doing it are:

doing it poorly;
sure it will be better next time;
not practicing it safely.

There are three kinds of lies: Lies, damned lies, and benchmarks.
Paraphrased after a famous saying by Mark Twain

Software Development Cycle
    1. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.
    2. Product is tested. 20 bugs are found.
    3. Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren't really bugs.
    4. Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn't work and discovers 15 new bugs.
    5. Repeat three times steps 3 and 4.
    6. Due to marketing pressure and an extremely premature product announcement based on overly-optimistic programming schedule, the product is released.
    7. Users find 137 new bugs.
    8. Original programmer, having cashed his royalty check, is nowhere to be found.
    9. Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but introduce 456 new ones.
    10. Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard from Fiji. Entire testing department quits.
    11. Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their latest release, which had 783 bugs.
    12. New CEO is brought in by board of directors. He hires a programmer to redo program from scratch.
    13. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free...

A grade school teacher was asking his pupils what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first. What does your mother do all day?"
Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
"That's wonderful. How about you, Amy?"
Amy shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."
"Thank you, Amy" said the teacher. "What does your parent do, Billy?"
Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse."
The teacher was aghast and went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation. Billy's dad said, "I'm actually a system programmer specializing in TCP/IP communication protocol on UNIX systems. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"

All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors.

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce today would cost $100, get a million miles to the gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

A programmer was walking along the beach when he found a lamp. Upon rubbing the lamp a genie appeared who stated "I am the most powerful genie in the world. I can grant you any wish you want, but only one wish."
The programmer pulled out a map of the Mediterranean area and said "I'd like there to be a just and last peace among the people in the middle east."
The genie responded, "Gee, I don't know. Those people have been fighting since the beginning of time. I can do just about anything, but this is beyond my limits."
The programmer then said, "Well, I am a programmer and my programs have a lot of users. Please make all the users satisfied with my programs, and let them ask sensible changes"
Genie: "Uh, let me see that map again."

They say that the new super computer knows everything. A skeptical man came and asked the computer, "Where is my father?"
The computer bleeped for a short while, and then came back with "Your father is fishing in Michigan."
The skeptical man said triumphantly, "You see? I knew this was nonsense. My father has been dead for twenty years."
"No", replied the super computer immediately. "Your mother's husband has been dead for twenty years. Your father just landed a three pound trout."

The programmer to his son: "Here, I brought you a new basketball."
"Thank you, daddy, but where is the user's guide?"

The problem with physicists is that they tend to cheat in order to get results.
The problem with mathematicians is that they tend to work on toy problems in order to get results.
The problem with program verifiers is that they tend to cheat at toy problems in order to get results.

A software verifier read in the Bible that God protects all fools, and decided to test it empirically. He jumped out of the window and broke a leg. There he lies, writhing in pain, and happily thinks: "I never really considered myself a fool, but I never knew I was THAT clever!"

Useful Computer Acronyms
CD-ROM: Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
PCMCIA: People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
ISDN: It Still Does Nothing
SCSI: System Can't See It
MIPS: Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
DOS: Defunct Operating System
WINDOWS: Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
OS/2: Obsolete Soon, Too
APPLE: Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
IBM: I Blame Microsoft
DEC: Do Expect Cuts
MICROSOFT: Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers
CA: Constant Acquisitions
COBOL: Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language
LISP: Lots of Insipid and Stupid Parentheses
MACINTOSH: Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
AAAAA: American Association Against Acronym Abuse.

Programming Languages are Like Cars
Assembler: A formula I race car. Very fast but difficult to drive and maintain.
FORTRAN II: A Model T Ford. Once it was the king of the road.
FORTRAN IV: A Model A Ford.
FORTRAN 77: a six-cylinder Ford Fairlane with standard transmission and no seat belts.
COBOL: A delivery van. It's bulky and ugly but it does the work.
BASIC: A second-hand Rambler with a rebuilt engine and patched upholstery. Your dad bought it for you to learn to drive. You'll ditch it as soon as you can afford a new one.
PL/I: A Cadillac convertible with automatic transmission, a two-tone paint job, white-wall tires, chrome exhaust pipes, and fuzzy dice hanging in the windshield.
C++: A black Firebird, the all macho car. Comes with optional seatbelt (lint) and optional fuzz buster (escape to assembler).
ALGOL 60: An Austin Mini. Boy that's a small car.
ALGOL 68: An Aston Martin. An impressive car but not just anyone can drive it.
Pascal: A Volkswagon Beetle. It's small but sturdy. Was once popular with intellectual types.
LISP: An electric car. It's simple but slow. Seat belts are not available.
PROLOG/LUCID: Prototype concept cars.
FORTH: A go-cart.
LOGO: A kiddie's replica of a Rolls Royce. Comes with a real engine and a working horn.
APL: A double-decker bus. It takes rows and columns of passengers to the same place all at the same time but it drives only in reverse and is instrumented in Greek.
Ada: An army-green Mercedes-Benz staff car. Power steering, power brakes, and automatic transmission are standard. No other colors or options are available. If it's good enough for generals, it's good enough for you.
Java: All-terrain very slow vehicle.

You know you are an Internet Junkie when...
When asked to your address, your answer begins with http://
Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail.
You chat with your fingers, not your mouth.
You use Netscape 4.05, and you check every week whether version 4.06 was released.
You know the difference between Java and Javascript.
Most of your friends have an @ in their names.
In order to watch CNN you move to www.cnn.com
You are told about a new program, and you are disappointed to find that it is a TV program.
Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.
On your business card the e-mail appears before the phone number.
You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com
You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.
You can perfectly imitate the sound pattern of your modem connecting to your ISP.
You can think of nineteen keystroke symbols that are far more clever than :-).
Not only do you check your email more often than your paper mail, but you remember your network address faster than your postal one.
You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

Ten Commandments for Stress Free Programming
    1. Thou shalt not worry about bugs.
      Bugs in your software are actually special features.
    2. Thou shalt not fix abort conditions.
      Your user has a better chance of winning state lottery than getting the same abort again.
    3. Thou shalt not handle errors.
      Error handing was meant for error prone people, neither you or your users are error prone.
    4. Thou shalt not restrict users.
      Don't do any editing, let the user input anything, anywhere, anytime. That is being very user friendly.
    5. Thou shalt not optimize.
      Your users are very thankful to get the information, they don't worry about speed and efficiency.
    6. Thou shalt not provide help.
      If your users can not figure out themselves how to use your software than they are too dumb to deserve the benefits of your software anyway.
    7. Thou shalt not document.
      Documentation only comes in handy for making future modifications. You made the software perfect the first time, it will never need modifications.
    8. Thou shalt not hurry.
      Only the cute and the mighty should get the program by deadline.
    9. Thou shalt not revise.
      Your interpretation of specs was right, you know the users' requirements better than them.
    10. Thou shalt not share.
      If other programmers needed some of your code, they should have written it themselves.

Real software engineers...
Real software engineers don't read dumps. They never generate them, and on the rare occasions that they come across them, they are vaguely amused.
Real software engineers don't comment their code. The identifiers are so mnemonic they don't have to.
Real software engineers don't write applications programs, they implement algorithms.
Real software engineers don't program in a language that doesn't have recursive function calls.
Real software engineers don't debug programs, they verify correctness.
Real software engineers like C's structured constructs, but they are suspicious of it because they have heard that it lets you get "close to the machine."
Real software engineers admire PASCAL for its discipline and spartan purity, but they find it difficult to actually program in.
Real software engineers work from 9 to 5, because that is the way the job is described in the formal spec. Working late would feel like using an undocumented external procedure.
Real software engineers like writing their own compilers, preferably in PROLOG.
Real software engineers regret the existence of COBOL, FORTRAN and BASIC. PL/I is getting there, but it is not nearly disciplined enough; far too much built in functions.
Real software engineers aren't too happy about the existence of users. Users always seem to have the wrong idea about what the implementation and verification of algorithms is all about.

Programming Revisited

Windows 95 is a 32 bit extension for a 16 bit patch to an 8 bit operating system originally coded for a 4 bit microprocessor.

Have you heard about the new Cray super computer? It's so fast, it executes an infinite loop in 6 seconds.

If God had intended Man to program, we would be born with serial I/O ports.

The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.

The computer is mightier than the pen, the sword, and usually, the programmer.

The determined programmer can write a COBOL program in any language.

To err is human; to forgive, beyond the scope of the Operating System.

To err is human; to really foul things up requires a computer.

Every program is either trivial or it contains at least one bug.

How programmers do it...
Programmers do it byte by byte.
Programmers try to do it again and again.
Programmers do it with acronyms.
Programmers do it by computer simulation.
Programmers do it according to the specifications.


You Might Be a Programmer if...
    • you know that goto considered harmful.
    • you are looking for the "else" at the end of this joke.
    • you believe that making a wrong program worse is no sin.
    • every combination of three letters is a meaningful acronym for you.
    • when you are counting objects, you go "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...".
    • you can remember seventeen computer passwords but not your anniversary.
    • you are sure that the year 2000 is a leap year, and know why it is dangerous.
    • you start laughing hysterically when the topic of computer reliability is brought up.
    • you go to balance your checkbook and discover that you're doing the math in hexadecimal.
    • the language you are best speaking is English, but the language you are best writing is Java.
    • on vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages faster than everyone else who is reading John Grisham novels.

How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. "We'll document it in the manual."
None. It's a hardware problem.
1.000000001.
Two. One always leaves in the middle of the project.
Four. One to design the change, one to implement it, one to document it, and one to maintain it afterwards.
Four, plus one senior analyst to manage the project, one technical writer to correct the spelling and grammar of the one who documented it, one light bulb librarian, a sales-force of at least five to drum up enough users who want to turn the light on, 274 users to burn out the new bulb, at which point we go to tender for another light bulb change,...
Five. Two to write the specification program, one to screw it in, and two to explain why the project was late.
Only one, but she's not available till the year 2000.
"The change is 90% complete."
"It's hard to say. Each time we separate the bulb into its modules to do unit testing, it stops working."
Of course, as everyone knows, just five years ago all it took was a bunch of kids in a garage in Palo Alto to change a light bulb.
How many maintenance programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They try to fix the old one.
"We looked at the light fixture and decided there's no point trying to maintain it. We're going to rewrite it from scratch. Could you wait two months?"
How many software testers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. "We just recognized darkness, fixing it is someone else's problem."
How many C++ programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
"You're still thinking procedurally! A properly designed light bulb object would inherit a change method from a generic light bulb class!"
How many data base people does it take to change a light bulb?
Three: One to write the light bulb removal program, one to write the light bulb insertion program, and one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time.
How many IBM employees does it take to change a light bulb?
Fifteen. Five to do it, and ten to write document number GC7500439-001, Multitasking Incadescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank".

How many technical writers does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, provided there's a programmer around to explain how to do it.