Time Pass
There is this good old Barber in some city in US. One day a Florist goes to him for a haircut. After the cut, he goes to pay the Barber and the barber replies: 'I am Sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a Community Service'.
The Florist is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, there is a Thank you card and a dozen roses waiting at his door.
A Cop goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the Barber and the barber replies: 'I am Sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a Community Service'.
The Cop is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, there is a Thank you card and a dozen Donuts waiting at his door.
A Desi ( Indian ) Software Engineer goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the
Barber and barber replies: 'I am Sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a Community
Service'. The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, guess what he finds
A dozen Desis( Indian ) waiting for a free Haircut
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The boss came early in the morning one day and found his manager kissing his secretary. He shouted at him, "Is this what I pay you for?"The manager replied: "No, sir, this I do free of charge."
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A man went to an eye specialist to get his eyes tested and asked, "Doctor, will I be able to read after wearing glasses?" "Yes, of course," said the doctor, "why not!" "Oh! How nice it would be ," said the patient with joy, "I have been illiterate for so long."
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A priest, seeing a blank signboard hanging on a lamppost wrote upon it: "I pray for all."
A Solicitor wrote underneath: "I plead for all."
A doctor added: "I prescribe for all."
A simple citizen wrote: "I pay for all."
After a dinner speech, the speaker scolded his secretary:"Why did you write such a long speech for me? You saw how those people were feeling bored!" The secretary replied, "Sir, it wasn't a lengthy speech at all; but I did make one mistake- I gave you all 3 copies of the speech."
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This is for only Indian Desi ( NRI’s ) You are a desi ( Indian ) if
you ask for small drink at fast food restaurant because the refill is free. You know more than one plans offered by long distance telephone companies.
* You take plain water instead of Coke for lunch.* you take any drink with no ice because you can't drink ice
* you ask before eating any meat "Is this beef?"
* you try to ignore all other unknown desis around you.
* you know all the facilities available at public library.
* you talk to Americans as if you represent your whole country
* your stove in the apartment is covered with aluminum foil.
* you frequent to yard sales every week.
* you find taco bell sauce packets in your kitchen drawer.
* your dinner involves spreading newspaper on living room floor.
* you take off your shoes before stepping foot in your living room.
* you like onion rings at Burger King.
* your are looking for dual voltage electric/electronic appliances.
* the phrase "When are you going to India" comes into
your conversation at least once a day.
* you bought Toyota or Honda car only because it has better resale value.
* the number of long distance calls is more than domestic calls.
* you keep switching your internet service provider because first month is free.
* you go back to your apartment for lunch.
* your full name contains more than 15 characters.
* you know all the $1.50 theaters in your city.
* the only reason you go to a temple on festivals is because there is free food.
* you have spent nights in the car while traveling because you wanted to save money spent on cheap motel.
* you don't know any American outside your work.
* you tried to flirt with the Hindi speaking operator at AT&T.
* you have at least one India made pressure cooker in your kitchen.
* you know how much a 7 layer burrito costs at Taco Bell.
* you run to Laundromat in your lungi.
* put oil in your hair.
* you have a picture of Indian deity on the dashboard of your car.
* this thought comes to you "Oh shit I just saw another
desi" when you are window shopping at a local mall.
* you keep comparing prices at circuit city for the phone you bought six months ago.
* the lawyer handling your green card is in your speed dial.
* you are compelled to visit ever major city in US, just so as to say that "Yes I have been there"
* you are comfortable with an American than an ABCD.
* you have been to Mexico or Canada for multiple entry H1 Visa.
* you pay your bills the day they come in mail.
* spent 2 days cleaning your apartment before leaving so
you can get full security refund from landlord.
* have a bucket in your bath tub.
* you have to borrow luggage from friends for India visit.
* the smoke detector goes off whenever your are cooking dinner.
* you know which grocery store keeps coriander.
* you buy butter milk before you run out of it.
* you use grocery bags as garbage bags.
* you say 'Damn I have already seen this show" when ever
you are watching Married With Children.
* you buy rice in the 20 pound bags.
* office supplies mysteriously find their way in your house.
* you don't want to buy a printer because you can always use the office printer.
* you have postponed buying answering machine because
the computer you are planning to buy six months later has in
built answering machine.
* your idea of fun involves bowling.
* you starts spelling your name to the operator like A as in
Apple, Bas in boy , T as in train ...well you get the idea.
* you ask another desi if he/she ever got a traffic ticket.
* you haven't had a single female in your apartment besides your friends wife.
* you circulate Playboy's Lingerie edition amongst your friends.
* you bring over the counter medicines like Iodex and Vicks from India.
* decide to marry a girl, your parents fixed without even meeting her.
* you know the current differential in gold prices between India and US.
* you go to a temple to pick up a women.
* you have worked illegally in a Guju's motel.
* you mark your forehead with scared ash.
* you have a bought a video camera just before Niagara trip and returned it after the trip.
* VIP/Indian brand underwear and undershirts.
* you have Rin (detergent soap cake) in your bathroom.
* you have taken pictures of your car and mailed to your folks back home.
* use the credit card with maximum cash back.
you have collected enough frequent flier miles for a international trip.
* you are saving more that 30 % of your salary.
* talk about the sexual escapades of your friend.
* you have never asked a girl out.
* you have book marked immigration web pages in your browser.
* you know all of your friends salary.
* tried to talk in a phony accent with the freshie in the school.
* you have asked a PhD student for a ride to grocery store.
* there are more that 4 guys living in a 2 bedroom apartment.
* you have cooking schedule in your kitchen cabinet.
* you spend at least 2 evenings in a week at Kmart.
* you split even tax from your common grocery bill.
* complain about Indian international airports on your first vacation to India.
* you take 4 week long vacation.
* you are the first to know about any on campus job
openings at the school library/cafeteria/computer center.
* you act as if you are the busiest person on the earth.
* you dial 9-1-1 (instead of dialing 01191) to make international calls and smile apologetically when the Cops arrive at your door in less than 15-minutes.
* you put the photograph of Ganesha or some other deity on your PC in the Office as a Background Wallpaper
* you boast to your American Colleagues that the girl on your PC's wallpaper is your Girlfriend (When your PC shows a photograph of Aishwarya Rai!)
* you buy anything from any store and just return it after a few weeks (just for the heck of it and just because it is returnable!)
* you are frequent visitor to any of the Outlet Malls near your place!
* you apply deodorant spray on your clothes (because the perfume bottle is costly to purchase)
* you take pleasure in passing lewd/obscene remarks at the Americans in vernacular Indian languages, just because they are unable to understand it;
* you talk to your Indian colleague in your local Indian language in presence of an American Colleague
* you take pleasure in switching your telephone companies from MCI to AT&T to Sprint, just to take advantage of their competition
* your weekend routine schedule is to visit a temple and an Indian restaurant
*** I hope a TRUE DESI gets not less than 90% of the
score. If not??? (May be some thing wrong with your DESI brain)
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"The Gift"
A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new
sweetheart'sbirthday,and as they had not been dating very long,
after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would
strike the right note: romantic, but not too personal.Accompanied
by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom and
bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a air
of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up
the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got
the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man
sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the
following note:"I chose these because I noticed that you are
not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the
evening. If it had not been foryour sister, I would have
chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones
that are easier to remove."These are a delicate shade, but
the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been
wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly
soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really
smart. "I wish I was there to put them on for you the first
time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them
before I have a chance to see you again. "When you take them
off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they
will naturally be a little damp from wearing. "Just think
how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. hope you
will wear them for me on Friday night. All my
love." "P.S. The latest style is to wear
them folded down with a little fur showing."
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A man suspected his wife of seeing another man so he hired a famous Chinese detective to watch and report any activities while he was gone. A few days later he received this report:
Most honorable sir:
You leave the house. I watch house. He comes to house. I watch.
He and she leave house. I follow. He and she get on train. I
follow. He and she go in hotel. I climb tree-look in window. He
kiss she. She kiss he. He strip she. She strip he. He play with
she. She play with he. I play with ME. Fall out of tree, not see.
NO FEE
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Smile :- A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
Rumor :- News that travels at the speed of sound.
College :- A place where some pursue learning and others
Ecstasy :- A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.
Office :- A place where you can relax after your strenuous homelife.
Yawn :- The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
Etc. :- A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
Committee :- Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
Classic :- A book which people praise, but do not read.
Marriage :- It's an agreement in which a man loses his
bachelor degree and woman gains her master's.
Worry :- Interest paid on trouble before it falls due.
Experience:- The name men give to their mistakes.
Tears :- The hydraulic force by which masculine power is defeated by feminine power.
Atom Bomb :- An invention to end all inventions.
Philosopher:- A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.
Optimist :- A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.
Miser :- A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.
Father :- A banker provided by nature.
Criminal :- A guy no different from the rest... except that he got caught.
Boss :- Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
Politician:- One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.
Doctor :- A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.
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A father overhears his son praying before going to bed "God Bless Grandma." The next day Grandma passes away. That night the father hears the boy praying "God Bless Grandpa." The next day Grandpa passes away. That night he hears his son praying "God Bless Daddy." Buring the whole next day the father is very edgy and when he returns home he tells his wife what a terrible day he had. The wife says "You think you had a terible day, this morning our milkman dropped dead at our front door!"
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A man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" "Why?" she asks."Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."
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Fred, Jim & Scott were at a convention together & were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story skyscraper. After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken & they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room. Bill said to Jim & Scott, "Let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, Jim can sing songs for the next 25 flights and Scott can tell sad stories for the rest of the way." At the 26th floor, Bill stopped telling jokes & Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing & Scott began to tell sad stories. "I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in the car!!!
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A little girl asked her father, "Daddy? Do all Fairy Tales begin with 'Once Upon A Time'?" He replied, "No, there is a whole series of Fairy Tales that begin with 'If elected I promise'."
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It was her first time. She put him off for awhile searching for an excuse, but he refused to be swayed as he approached her. As she laid back, her muscles tightened. He asked if she is afraid and she shook her head bravely. He has had a great deal of experience and his finger finds the right place the very first time. He probed deeply and she shivered; her body tensed; but he was gentle as he had promised he'd be. He looked deeply within her eyes and told her to trust him -- he's done this many times before.His cool smile relaxed her and she opened wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. She anxiously began to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly took his time, wanting to cause her as little pain as possible. As hepressed closer, going deeper, she felt the tissue give way; pain surgedthroughout her body and she felt the slight trickle of blood as he continued. He looked at her, concerned, and asked if he was hurting her. Her eyes filled with tears but she shook her head and nodded for him to go on. As he began moving in and out with skill she became too numb to feel him within her. After a few frenzied moments, she felt something bursting within her and he pulled it out of her. She lay panting, glad to it was over. He looked at her, smiling warmly, telling her, with a chuckle; that she had been his most rewarding experience ever. She smiled and thanked her dentist. After all, it was her first time having a tooth pulled.
The History of Medicine
=========================
2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root
1000 A.D. - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.
2000 A.D. - That antibiotic doesn't work anymore. Here, eat this root.
( back to 2000 BC )
*************
A town in Poland had only one cow and it stopped giving milk. Thetownspeople did a little research and discovered they could get a cow from Moscow for 2000 rubles - or one from Minsk for only 1000 rubles.So, naturally, they got the cow from Minsk.It was a great cow: had a wonderful disposition, and gave lots of milk and lots of cream. Everybody loved it dearly. The people decided they would mate the cow and get more cows like it, and then they would never have to worry about their milk supply again.So they got a bull and led the cow and the bull into the pasture.When the bull came in from the right to mount the cow, the cow moved to the left. When the bull moved in to mount the cow from the left, the cow moved to the right. This went on all day.Finally, in desperation, the people decided to go ask the rabbi what to do. After all he was very wise. They told him the story. "Rabbi, we've tried all day to mate our cow. When the bull moves in from the right the cow moves left and when the bull moves in from the left the cow moves to the right. What do we do?" The Rabbi thought a moment and asked, "Did you buy this cow from Minsk?" "Rabbi!" they replied as one, "You are so wise! We never said we bought the cow from Minsk. How did you know that?" The Rabbi said, sadly, "My wife is from Minsk."
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The Mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were 'protecting'. Feeling the heat from the police force, they decided to use a deaf person for this job--if he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police what he was doing. Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $50,000. He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place. The Mafia soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends some of their hoods after the deaf collector. The hoods find the deaf collector and ask him where the money is. The deaf collector can't communicate with them, so the Mafia drags the guy to an interpreter. The Mafia hood says to the interpreter, "Ask him where da money is." The interpreter signs, "Where's the money?" The deaf replies, "I don't know what you're talking about." The interpreter tells the hood, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about." The hood pulls out a .38 pistol and places it in the ear of the deaf collector. "NOW ask him where da money is." The interpreter signs, "Where is the money?" The deaf man only signs with actions , "The $50,000 is in Central Park, hidden in the third tree stump on the left from the West 78th Street gate." The interpreter says to the hood, "He says he still doesn't know what you're talking about and doesn't think you have the guts to pull the trigger!" The moral of the story is the interpreter knowingly the place did not tell the deaf man was shot and the cash was taken by the interpreter.
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A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, saying that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains how the game works: "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and visa-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The chauvinistic lawyer figures that since his opponent is a blonde he will easily win the match, so he makes another offer: "Okay, how about this "If you don't know the answer you pay me only $5, but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his co-workers and friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour, of searching for the answer he finally gives up. He wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little frustrated, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer?" Again without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
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Teacher: Why are you late? Webster: Because of the sign.
Teacher: What sign?
Webster: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow." That's what I did
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A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn`tknow what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he`d stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do.The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional. In a few minutes a woman comes in and says "Father forgive me for I have sinned. I committed adultery."
Priest says: "How many times?"Woman: "Three times."
Priest says, "Say two Hail Marys, put $5.00 in the box, and sin no more."
A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says, "Father forgive me for I have sinned."
Priest says, "What did you do?"
Man says, "I committed adultery."
Priest asks, "How many times?"
Man replys, "Three times."
Priest says, "Say two Hail Marys, put $5.00 in the box, and sin no more."
The Rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he`s got it so the priest leaves. A few minutes later another woman enters and says, "Father forgive me for I have sinned."Rabbi says, "What did you do?"
Woman replys, "I committed adultery."
Rabbi asks, "How many times?"
Woman says "Once."
Rabbi says, "Go do it two more times, we have a special this week, three for $5.00."
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A SOFTWARE ENGINEER IN CONVERSATION WITH HIS
WIFE
HUSBAND : (Returning late from work)
"Good evening dear. I'm now logged in."
WIFE : "Have you bought the ring?"
HUSBAND : "Bad Command or filename."
WIFE : "But I told you in the morning."
HUSBAND : "Erroneous Syntax. Abort?"
WIFE : "What about my new dress?"
HUSBAND : "Variable not found."
WIFE : "At least give me your credit card, I want to do some
shopping."
HUSBAND : "Sharing Violation. Access Denied"
WIFE : "Do you love me or do you only love computers or are
you just being funny?"
HUSBAND : "Too many Parameters."
WIFE : "It was a great mistake that I married an idiot like
you."
HUSBAND : "Data Type Mismatch."
WIFE : "You are a useless nut."
HUSBAND : "It's by default."
WIFE : "What about your salary?"
HUSBAND : "File in use..."
WIFE : "Who was in the car this morning?"
HUSBAND : "System is unable. Press 'CTRL+ALT+DEL' to
Reboot."
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Two brothers in a small town were well-known as trouble makers. If there was a problem in town, these boys were guaranteed to be there. Their parents finally decided to do something about it.They called on the priest. He was known to have success indealing with problematic behavior. He agreed to see them,but only one at a time.The younger brother went first. He walked in and the priest asked him, "Where is God?" in a mild voice.The younger brother just sat there. The priest asked again, "Where's God?" The boy again just sat there.The priest tried once more, in a very annoyed and angered voice, "Tell me son, WHERE IS GOD?'Terrified, the boy ran out of the room and straight to his room at home, where he hid under the bed. His older brother came in and asked what was wrong.The younger boy said, "We are in big trouble this time. God is missing, and they think we did it!"
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Ever notice how many of women's problems can be
traced to the male gender?
MENstruation
MENopause
MENtal breakdown
GUYnecology
HIMmorrhoids
The surgeon told his patient that woke up after having been operated: "I'm afraid we're going to have to operate you again. Because, you see, I forgot my rubber gloves inside you."
"Well, if it's just because of them, I'd rather pay for them if you just leave me alone."
A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600.The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a doctor!." The plumber quietly answered, "Neither did I when I was a doctor."
At a medical convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each other. The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts. As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands.
After dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom. Just as things get hot, the female doctor interrupts and says she has to go and wash her hands. Once she comes back they go for it. After the sex session, she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands. As she comes back the male doctor says, "I bet you are a surgeon".She confirms and asks how he knew. "Easy, you're always washing your hands."She then says, "I bet you're an anesthesiologist."Male doctor: "Wow, how did you guess?"Female doctor: "I didn't feel a thing."
"I'm beginning to think that my lawyer is
too interested in making money."
"Why do you say that?" "Listen to this from his
bill: 'For waking up at night and thinking about your case:
$25.00'."
The lawyer's son wanted to follow in his father's footsteps, so he went to law school. He graduated with honors, and then went home to join his father's firm. At the end of his first day at work he rushed into his father's office, and said, "Father, father, in one day I broke the accident case that you've been working on for ten years!"
His father responded: "You idiot, we lived on the funding of that case for ten years!"
An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.
A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.
"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards."
"HEART ATTACK"
===============
A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the
hospital. While on the operating table she has a near death
experience. During that experience she seaugmentation, tummy
tuck, etc.She even has someone come in and change her hair
color. She figures since she's got another 30 years she
might as well make the most of it. She walks out of the
hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance
speeding up to the hospital.She arrives in front of God and
complains: "I thought you said I had another 30 years.God
replies, "I didn't recognize you."
---------------------------------------------
Many many years ago when I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be.
This widow had a grown-up daughter Who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her, And soon the two were wed.
This made my dad my son-in-law And changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother, For she was my father's wife.
To complicate the matters worse, Although it brought me joy. I
soon became the father Of a bouncing baby boy.
My little baby then became A brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle, Though it made me very sad.
For if he was my uncle, Then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter Who, of course, was my
step-mother.
Father's wife then had a son, Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson, For he was my daughter's son.
My wife is now my mother's mother And it makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife, She's my grandma too.
If my wife is my grandmother, Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it, It simply drives me wild.
For now I have become The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother, I am my own grandpa!!
In the USA, everything that is not prohibited
by law is permitted.
In
Germany, everything that is not permitted by law is prohibited.
In
Russia, everything is prohibited, even if permitted by law.
In
France, everything is permitted, even if prohibited by law.
In
Switzerland, everything that is not prohibited by law is
obligatory.
A junior partner in a firm was sent to a
far-away state to represent a long-term client accused of
robbery. After days of trial, the case was won, the client
acquitted and released. Excited about his success, the attorney
telegraphed the firm: "Justice prevailed."
The senior partner replied in haste: "Appeal
immediately."
A witness to an automobile accident was
testifying. The lawyer asked him, "Did you actually see the
accident?"
The witness: "Yes, sir."
The lawyer: "How far away were you when
the accident happened?"
The witness: "Thirty-one feet, six and one quarter
inches."
The lawyer (thinking he'd trap the witness):
"Well, sir, will you tell the jury how you knew it was
exactly that distance?"
The witness: "Because when the accident happened I took out
a tape and measured it. I knew some annoying lawyer would ask me
that question."
A woman and her little girl were visitng the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"
"Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"
"The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"
An old man was on his death bed. He wanted badly to take some of his money with him. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. "Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me."
At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed, "I had only put $20,000 into the envelope because I needed $10,000 for a new baptistery."
"Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new machine at the hospital which cost $20,000."
The lawyer was aghast. "I'm ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed. "I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."
What did the lawyer name his daughter? Sue.
And his son? Bill.
An engineer dies and reports to hell. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
| God replies, "What???
You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should
never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?" |
 |
A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil. As he passed sulfurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman.
"That's unfair !" he cried. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman."
"Shut up!" barked the devil, jabbing him with his pitchfork. "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"
A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?".
"Sure do," replied the bartender.
"Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator."
A defending attorney was cross examining a
coroner. The attorney asked, "Before you signed the death
certificate had you taken the man's pulse?"
"No," the coroner replied.
The attorney then asked, "Did you listen
for a heart beat?"
The coroner said, "No."
"Did you check for breathing?", asked
the attorney.
Again the coroner replied, "No."
The attorney asked, "So when you signed
the death certificate you had not taken any steps to make sure
the man was dead, had you?"
The coroner, now tired of the brow beating said, "Well, let
me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my
desk, but for all I know he could be out there practicing law
somewhere."
What's wrong with Lawyer jokes?
Lawyers don't think they're funny, and nobody else thinks they're
jokes.
A group of terrorists hijacked a plane full of lawyers. They called down to ground control with their list of demands and added that if their demands weren't met, they would release one lawyer every hour.
Arguing with a lawyer is like mud wrestling with a pig: after a while you realize that the pig actually enjoys it.
Warning Signs that you Might Need a
Different Lawyer
He
tells you that his last good case was a Budweiser.
When
the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each
other.
He
picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."
He
tells you that he has never told a lie.
A
big sign in his office says: "Don't ask me."
A
prison guard is shaving your head.
How many lawyers does it take to change a light
bulb?
"How
many can you afford?"
It
only takes one to change your bulb...to his.
Two.
One to change it and one to keep interrupting by standing up and
shouting "Objection!"
Three.
One to do it and two to sue him for malpractice.
Three.
One to turn the bulb, one to shake him off the ladder, and the
third to sue the ladder company.
Three.
One to sue the power company for insufficiently supplying power,
or negligent failure to prevent the surge that made the bulb burn
out in the first place, one to sue the electrician who wired the
house, and one to sue the bulb manufacturers.
Fifty
four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object,
one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a
letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their time cards, one
to depose, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to
order a secretary to change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill
for professional services.
How many lawyers does it take to screw in a
light bulb?
None,
lawyers only screw us.
Last Modified: 10/23/98 07:26:16
Every law book that you need you can find and buy immediately at Amazon.com, Earth's Biggest Bookstore. Begin your search now: write the name of the author or the name of the book you wish to find, and click on the "Search" button.
A merchant teaches his son the secrets of the trade: "When you charge a customer $100, and he pays you by mistake $200, you have an ethical dilemma -- should you tell your partner?"
A man is hired by the circus to perform a necessary but rather unpleasant task. He is asked to walk behind the elepants in the center ring, shoveling aside their droppings as they walk about. After a rather difficult evening at work, he goes to the circus cafeteria, sits with other workers, and begins complaining about his work.
"It's just terrible work, walking behind those huge beasts and first dodging, then shoveling aside the dung they produce. My arms are tired, my shoes and pants are a mess, and I'll have to shower before I return home, because of the stink."
His friends at work agree: "Why don't you just quit this miserable job and find something more rewarding to do. You have to have some skills and talents that you can put to use somewhere else."
He looks at them, stunned: "You know, you're probably right, but I just can't give up the glamour of show business!"
Two social workers were walking through a rough
part of the city in the evening. They heard moans and muted cries
for help from a back lane. Upon investigation, they found a
semi-conscious man in a pool of blood. "Help me, I've been
mugged and viciously beaten" he pleaded.
The two social workers turned and walked away. One remarked to
her colleague: "You know the person that did this really
needs help."
A social worker asks a collegue: "What
time is it?"
The other one answers: "Sorry, don't know, I have no
watch."
The first one: "Never mind! The main thing is that we talked
about it."
Andy wants a job as a signalman on the
railways. He is told to meet the inspector at the signal box. The
inspector puts this question to him: "What would you do if
you realised that two trains were heading for each other on the
same track?"
Andy says, "I would switch the points for one of the
trains."
"What if the lever broke?" asked the inspector.
"Then I'd dash down out of the signal box," said Andy,
"and I'd use the manual lever over there."
"What if that had been struck by lightning?"
"Then," Andy continues, "I'd run back into the
signal box and phone the next signal box."
"What if the phone was engaged?"
"Well in that case," persevered Andy, "I'd rush
down out of the box and use the public emergency phone at the
level crossing up there."
"What if that was vandalised?"
"Oh well then I'd run into the village and get my uncle
Silas."
This puzzles the inspector, so he asks, "Why would you do
that?"
Came the answer, "Because he's never seen a train
crash."
A preacher dies, and when he gets to Heaven, he sees a New York cab driver who has more crowns. He says to an angel, "I don't get it. I devoted my whole life to my congregation."
The angel says, "We reward results. Did your congregation always pay attention when you gave a sermon?"
The preacher says, "Once in a while someone fell asleep."
The angel says, "Right. And when people rode in this guy's taxi, they not only stayed awake, but they usually prayed!"
Those three boys are in the schoolyard bragging of how great their fathers are.
The first one says: "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow".
The second one says: "Ha! You think that's fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet".
The third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then says: "You two know nothing about fast. My father is a civil servant. He stops working at 4:30 and he is home by 3:45"!!
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed and dry cleaners depressed?
Laundry workers could decrease, eventually becoming depressed and depleted! Even more, bedmakers will be debunked, baseball players will be debased, landscapers will be deflowered, bulldozer operators will be degraded, software engineers will be detested, and even musical composers will eventually decompose.
A man was carrying 2 babies, one in each arm while waiting for a train.Along came this woman seeing the 2 cute babies started asking the man,"Aren't they cute, what are their names?"The man giving the lady an angry look replied "I don't know". The ladyasked again "Which is a boy and which is a girl?".The man looking angrier than before replied "I don't know". The woman.then started to scold the man "What kind of a father are you?".The man replied "I am not their father, I am just a condom salesman and these are 2 complaints that I am taking back to my company."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A
graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it
work?"
A
graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it
work?"
A
graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it
cost?"
A
graduate with a Law degree asks, "Who gave it a permission
to work?"
A
graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Would you like
fries with that?"
Psychology is actually biology.
Biology is actually chemistry.
Chemistry is actually physics.
And physics is actually math.
Where to Publish Your Paper
If
you understand it and can prove it, then send it to a journal of
mathematics.
If
you understand it, but can't prove it, then send it to a physics
journal.
If
you can't understand it, but can prove it, then send it to an
economics journal.
If
you can neither understand it nor prove it, then send it to a
psychology journal.
A Marketing Manager got married to a woman who had previously been married eight times. On his wedding night, his wife informed him that she was still a virgin. This was her explanation:
The wife said sweetly to her new husband, "Now I am married to you, a man of marketing". The husband looked at his wife and simply said, "I know I have the product, I'm just not sure how to position it".
Heaven and Hell
In Heaven:
The cooks are French,
The policemen are English,
The mechanics are German,
The lovers are Italian,
The bankers are Swiss.
In Hell:
The cooks are English,
The policemen are German,
The mechanics are French,
The lovers are Swiss,
The bankers are Italian.
You are one of three people on a malfunctioning
airplane with only one parachute. How would you react?
Pessimist: you refuse the parachute because you might die on the
jump anyway.
Optimist: you refuse the parachute because people have survived
crashes just like this before.
Procrastinator: you play a game of Monopoly for the parachute.
Bureaucrat: you order them to conduct a feasibility study on
parachute use in multi-engine aircraft under code red conditions.
Computer Scientist: you design a machine capable of operating a parachute
as well as a human being could.
Mathematician: you refuse to accept the parachute without proof that
it will work in all cases.
Engineer: you make them another parachute out of aisle curtains
and dental floss.
Psychoanalyst: you ask them what the shape of a parachute reminds them
of.
Doctor: you tell them you need to run more tests, then take the
parachute in order to make your next appointment.
Lawyer: you charge one parachute for helping them sue the
airline.
Judge:
after reminding them of their constitutional right to have a
parachute, you take it and jump out.
Economist: your only rational and moral choice is to take the
parachute, as the free market will take care of the other person.
Statistician: you plot a demand curve by asking them, at regular
intervals, how much they would pay for a parachute.
IRS auditor: you confiscate the parachute along with their luggage,
wallet, and gold fillings.
Manager: as you jump out with the parachute, you tell them to
work hard and not expect handouts.
Consultant: you tell them not to worry, since it won't take you
long to learn how to fix a plane.
Salesperson: you sell them the parachute at top retail rates and get
the names of their friends and relatives who might like one too.
Advertiser: you strip-tease while singing that what they need is a
neon parachute with computer altimeter for only $39.99.
Philosopher: you ask how they know the parachute actually exists.
Teacher: you give them the parachute and ask them to send you a
report on how well it worked.
English major: you explicate simile and metaphor in the parachute
instructions.
Comparative Literature
major: you read the parachute instructions
in all four languages.
Dramatist: you tie them down so they can watch you develop the
character of a person stuck on a falling plane without a
parachute.
Modern Painter: you hang the parachute on the wall and sign it.
Auto Mechanic: as long as you are looking at the plane engine, it
works fine.
An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.
An auditor is someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
Mark Twain
An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.
A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.
An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.
Laurence J. Peter
A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.
A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn't there.
Charles R. Darwin
A topologist is a man who doesn't know the difference between a coffee cup and a doughnut.
A chemical engineer is a man who is doing for a profit what an organic chemist only does for fun.
A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a "brief".
Franz Kafka
A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
A schoolteacher a is disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children.
A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
How many brewers does it take to change a light
bulb?
Third
as many as for a regular bulb.
How many librarians does it take to screw in a
light bulb?
"I
don't know, but I can look it up for you."
How many civil servants does it take to change
a light bulb?
Twelve.
One to change the bulb, and eleven to do the paperwork.
How many social scientists does it take to
change a light bulb?
None.
Social scientists do not change light bulbs; they search for the
root cause as to why the last one went out.
ApplicantsAn applicant was filling out a
job application. When he came to the question, "Have you
ever been arrested?" He answered, "No."
The next question, intended for people who had answered in the
affirmative to the last one, was "Why?" The applicant
answered it anyway: "Never got caught."
Employer to applicant: "In this job we
need someone who is responsible."
Applicant: "I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time
anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."
"Young man, do you think you can handle a
variety of work?"
"I ought to be able to. I've had ten different jobs in four
months."
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human
Resources person asked a young applicant fresh out of Business
School, "And what starting salary are you looking for?"
The applicant said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year,
depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package
of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental,
company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company
car leased every two years - say, a red Corvette?"
The applicant sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you
kidding?"
And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started
it."
In a job interview for policemen the applicants are shown a profile picture of a man, and the interviewer says, "The job that you're applying for requires powers of observation. Make one observation about this man."
The first applicant enters and says, "This
man has just one ear."
"Get out!!" screams the interviewer.
The second applicant enters and says,
"This man has one ear."
"Get out!!" screams the interviewer again.
Then the third applicant gets up to go in for
his interview. The first two guys are out there and they tell
him, "The guy that's giving the interview doesn't like to
hear that the man in the picture has one ear."
"Thanks for the tip" says the third applicant.
So the third applicant enters, stares at the
picture for a while and finally he says, "This man wears
contact lenses."
The interviewer is impressed and says, "Excellent
observation. Tell me, how could you tell?"
So the guy says, "Well, this man has just one ear, how could
he wear glasses?"
| A man applied for a job as an
industrial spy. Together with several other applicants,
he was given a sealed envelope and told to take it to the
fourth floor. As soon as the man was alone, he stepped into an empty hallway and opened the envelope. Inside, a message read: "You're our kind of person. Report to the fifth floor Personnel Office." |
 |
An applicant was being interviewed for
admission to a prominent medical school. "Tell me,"
inquired the interviewer, "where do you expect to be ten
years from now?"
"Well, let's see," replied the student. "It's
Wednesday afternoon. I guess I'll be on the golf course by
now."
The navy psychiatrist was interviewing a
potential sailor. To check on the young man's response to
trouble, the psychiatrist asked, "What would you do if you
looked out of that window right now and saw a battleship coming
down the street?"
The baby sailor said, "I'd grab a torpedo and sink it."
"Where would you get the torpedo?"
"The same place you got your battleship!"
HR Manager to job candidate: "I see you've had no computer training. Although that qualifies you for upper management, it means you're under-qualified for our entry level positions."
A business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "Help Wanted. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."
A dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined a bit.
Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on a chair and stared at the manager. The manager said "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."
The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back up on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign also says you have to be good with a computer."
The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect spreadsheet that worked flawlessly the first time.
By this time, the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."
The dog jumped down and went over to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentence about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.
The manager said "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual." The dog looked at that manager calmly and said, "Meow."
Are you qualified to this job?
Wanted:
Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.
Wanted:
Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
Wanted:
Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.
Girl
wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue
Cross and salary.
Wanted:
Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business, and
be willing to get hands dirty.
Applicant Speak: what they say and what they mean by it
Employer Speak: what they say and what they mean by it
New Job Interview Technique
Take the prospective employee and put him in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave him alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what he is doing.
If he has
taken the table apart, put him in Engineering.
If he
is counting the butts in the ashtray, assign him to Finance.
If he
is waving his arms and talking out loud, send him to Consulting.
If he
is talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for him.
If he
is sleeping, he is Management material.
If he
is writing up the experience, send him to the Technical
Documentation team.
If he
doesn't even look up when you enter the room, assign him to
Security.
If he
tries to tell you it's not as bad as it looks, put him into
Marketing.
If he
is wearing green sunglasses and need a haircut, Software is his
niche.
If he
mentions what a good price we got for the table and chairs, send
him to Purchasing.
If he
mentions that hardwood furniture does not come from rainforests,
Public Relations will suit him well.
Work Experience"Why are you so
excited?", the surgeon asked the patient that was about to
be anesthetized.
"But doc, this is my first operation."
"Really? It's mine too, and I am not excited at all."
Three men took a small plane to the wilderness in northern Canada to hunt moose over the weekend. The last thing the pilot said was, "Remember, this is a very small plane and you will only be able to bring ONE moose back."
But of course, they killed one each and
returned to the plane with three moose.
The pilot said: "I have told you to bring one moose
only".
"That's what you told us last year," the hunters
replied, "but for an additional $100 you allowed us to bring
three moose. Here, take $100 now."
The pilot agrees, and lets them bring all three dead moose
onboard.
Just after takeoff, the plane stalled and
crashed. In the wreckage, one of the men woke up, looked around
and said: "Where the hell are we?"
"Oh, just about a hundred yards east of the place where we
crashed last year."
The classified ad said, "Wanted: a very
experienced lumberjack". A man answered the ad and was asked
to describe his experience.
"I've worked at the Sahara Forest."
"You mean the Sahara Desert," said the interviewer.
The man laughed and answered, "Oh sure, that's what they
call it now!"
Experience is directly proportional to the amount of equipment ruined.
Experience is something you do not get until just after you need it.
Experience is what causes a person to make new mistakes instead of old ones.
Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.
Experience is knowledge acquired when it's too late.
Hunting an Elephant
Mathematicians hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out
everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever
is left.
Experienced mathematicians will prove the existence of at least one unique
elephant and then leave the detection and capture of an actual
elephant as an exercise for their graduate students.
Computer programmers hunt elephants by exercising Algorithm A:
1. Go to Africa.
2. Start at the Cape of Good Hope.
3. Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent
alternately east and west.
4. During each traverse pass,
a. Catch each animal seen.
b. Compare each animal caught to a known elephant.
c. Stop when a match is detected.
Experienced computer
programmers modify Algorithm A by placing a
known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will
terminate.
Economists
don't hunt elephants, but they believe that if elephants are paid
enough, they will hunt themselves.
Experienced economists never saw an elephant, but they try to hunt one by
controlling the interest rates.
Statisticians hunt the first gray animal they see N times and call it
an elephant.
Experienced statisticians add that there is a small probability that the animal
they hunted is a mouse.
Lawyers
can let hunting a single elephant drag out for several years.
Experienced lawyers can make it last even longer.
Consultants don't hunt elephants, and many have never hunted
anything at all, but they can be hired by the hour to advise
those people who do.
Experienced consultants can also measure the correlation of hat size and bullet
color to the efficiency of elephant-hunting strategies, if
someone else will only identify the elephants.
Politicians don't hunt elephants, but they will share the elephants
you catch with the people who voted for them.
Experienced politicians take the elephant for themselves and blame the press.
Managers
set broad elephant-hunting policy based on the assumption that
elephants are just like field mice, but with deeper voices.
Experienced managers keep in the project file the advise that claims that
elephants are just like field mice.
Sales people don't hunt elephants but spend their time selling
elephants they haven't caught, for delivery two days before the
season opens.
Experienced sales people ship the first thing they catch and write up an invoice
for an elephant.
Computer sales people catch gray animals at random, and sell any one of them
weighs within plus or minus 15 percent of any previously observed
elephant.
Experienced computer sales
people catch gray rabbits, and sell them as
desktop elephants.
How many applicants does it take to change a
light bulb?
Thirteen.
One to change the bulb and a dozen others to make sure that
everyone has an equal opportunity to apply for the job.
A project manager, a computer programmer and a computer operator are driving down the road when the car they are in gets a flat tire. The three men try to solve the problem.
The project manager said: "Let's catch a cab and in ten minutes we'll reach our destination."
The computer programmer said: "We have here the driver's guide. I can easily replace the flat tire and continue our drive."
The computer operator said: "First of all, let's turn off the engine and turn it on again. Maybe it will fix the problem."
Suddenly a Microsoft software engineer passed by and said: "Try to get off the car, close all windows, and then get in and try again."
A Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Departmental Manager were on their way to a meeting. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt scraping along the mountainside. The car's occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do?
"I know," said the Departmental Manager, "Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way."
"No, no," said the Hardware Engineer, "That will take far too long, and besides, that method has never worked before. I've got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time at all I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way."
"Well," said the Software Engineer, "Before we do anything, I think we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again."
Why do programmers always get Christmas and
Halloween mixed up?
Because DEC 25 = OCT 31
How do you keep a programmer in the shower all
day?
Give him a bottle of shampoo which says "lather, rinse,
repeat."
A system programmer came home from work almost
at dawn and told his wife enthusiastically: "Tonight I have
installed a new release of MVS/ESA together with VM/CMS and
CICS/VS".
"G.O.O.D" answered his wife.
The Programmers' Cheer
Shift to the left, shift to the right!
Pop up, push down, byte, byte, byte!
- "Have you heard about the
object-oriented way to become wealthy?"
- "No..."
- "Inheritance."
This text was checked by a speller that never has mistaks.
If you can touch it and you can see it, it's
REAL.
If you can touch it but you can't see it, it's TRANSPARENT.
If you can't touch it but you can see it, it's VIRTUAL.
If you can't touch it and you can't see it, it's GONE.
Once a programmer drowned in the sea. Many Marines where at that time on the beach, but the programmer was shouting "F1 F1" and nobody understood it.
Jack was a COBOL programmer in the mid to late 1990s. After years
of being taken for granted and treated as a technological
dinosaur by all the Client/Server programmers and website
developers, he was finally getting some respect. He'd become a
private consultant specializing in Year 2000 conversions.
Several years of this relentless, mind-numbing work had taken its toll on Jack. He began having anxiety dreams about the Year 2000. All he could think about was how he could avoid the year 2000 and all that came with it.
Jack decided to contact a company that specialized in cryogenics. He made a deal to have himself frozen until March 15th, 2000. The next thing he would know is he'd wake up in the year 2000; after the New Year celebrations and computer debacles; after the leap day. Nothing else to worry about except getting on with his life.
He was put into his cryogenic receptacle, the technicians set the revive date, he was given injections to slow his heartbeat to a bare minimum, and that was that.
The next thing that Jack saw was an enormous and very modern room filled with excited people. They were all shouting "I can't believe it!" and "It's a miracle" and "He's alive!". There were cameras (unlike any he'd ever seen) and equipment that looked like it came out of a science fiction movie.
Someone who was obviously a spokesperson for the group stepped forward. Jack couldn't contain his enthusiasm. "Is it over?" he asked. "Is the year 2000 already here? Are all the millennial parties and promotions and crises all over and done with?"
The spokesman explained that there had been a problem with the programming of the timer on Jack's cryogenic receptacle, it hadn't been year 2000 compliant. It was actually eight thousand years later, not the year 2000. Technology had advanced to such a degree that everyone had virtual reality interfaces which allowed them to contact anyone else on the planet.
"That sounds terrific," said Jack. "But I'm curious. Why is everybody so interested in me?"
"Well," said the spokesman. "The year 10000 is just around the corner, and it says in your files that you know COBOL".
APL is a write-only language.
In C we had to code our own bugs. In C++ we can inherit them.
C gives you enough rope to hang yourself. C++ also gives you the tree object to tie it to.
A computer without COBOL and Fortran is like a piece of chocolate cake without ketchup and mustard.
PL/I is for programmers who can't decide whether to write in COBOL or Fortran.
Why all Pascal programmers ask to live in
Atlantis?
Because it is below C level.
Why Client Server Computing is like Teenage Sex
It
is on everybody's mind all the time.
Everyone
is talking about it all the time.
Everyone
thinks everyone else is doing it.
Almost
no one is really doing it.
The
few who are doing it are:
When
asked to your address, your answer begins with http:// Instead
of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail.You
chat with your fingers, not your mouth. You
use Netscape 4.05, and you check every week whether
version 4.06 was released.You
know the difference between Java and Javascript.Most
of your friends have an @ in their names.In
order to watch CNN you move to www.cnn.comYou
are told about a new program, and you are disappointed to
find that it is a TV program.Your
bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.On
your business card the e-mail appears before the phone
number.You
find yourself typing "com" after every period
when using a word processor.com You
check your mail. It says "no new messages." So
you check it again.You
can perfectly imitate the sound pattern of your modem
connecting to your ISP.You
can think of nineteen keystroke symbols that are far more
clever than :-).Not
only do you check your email more often than your paper
mail, but you remember your network address faster than
your postal one.You
wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop to check
your e-mail on the way back to bed. 
You Might Be a Programmer if...
|
None.
"We'll document it in the manual."None.
It's a hardware problem.1.000000001.Two.
One always leaves in the middle of the project.Four.
One to design the change, one to implement it, one to
document it, and one to maintain it afterwards.Four,
plus one senior analyst to manage the project, one
technical writer to correct the spelling and grammar of
the one who documented it, one light bulb librarian, a
sales-force of at least five to drum up enough users who
want to turn the light on, 274 users to burn out the new
bulb, at which point we go to tender for another light
bulb change,...Five.
Two to write the specification program, one to screw it
in, and two to explain why the project was late.Only
one, but she's not available till the year 2000."The
change is 90% complete.""It's
hard to say. Each time we separate the bulb into its
modules to do unit testing, it stops working."Of
course, as everyone knows, just five years ago all it
took was a bunch of kids in a garage in Palo Alto to
change a light bulb. None.
They try to fix the old one. "We
looked at the light fixture and decided there's no point
trying to maintain it. We're going to rewrite it from
scratch. Could you wait two months?" None.
"We just recognized darkness, fixing it is someone
else's problem." "You're
still thinking procedurally! A properly designed light
bulb object would inherit a change method from a generic
light bulb class!" Three:
One to write the light bulb removal program, one to write
the light bulb insertion program, and one to act as a
light bulb administrator to make sure nobody else tries
to change the light bulb at the same time. Fifteen.
Five to do it, and ten to write document number
GC7500439-001, Multitasking Incadescent Source System
Facility, of which 10% of the pages state only "This
page intentionally left blank". How many technical writers does it take to
change a light bulb?
Just
one, provided there's a programmer around to explain how to do
it.